Just a quick announcement, here, that “Prepare To Die“… my first novel… will be published at the start of this summer (I believe June 5th is the target date) by the wonderful folks at Night Shade Books, who have been aces in every regard, and are easily one of the best publishers around.
"Huh? Wha...? I get to read an ENTIRE NOVEL written by Paul Tobin?!!" Yes you do, Totoro. Yes you do.
There will be, believe me, further announcements as the book becomes ready to be ordered, but I wanted to share this news at this point, because I’m very excited to unleash some pure storytelling and really delve into characters on a level that would take fifty comic book issues to explore. And, no… I won’t be leaving comics. I love them too much. But I do expect this to be the beginning of many more novels to come.
I want to write so many books that they will cover the shelves, and Bookstore Beagle will have to find a new home.
At some point before release I’ll probably be putting up a small chunk of the novel, the first chapter or so, but for now I’ve dropped in the general synopsis below. I’m actually using the superhero genre as a transitional stage between the two aspects of my writing career, the novels and the comics. It’s a very different sort of superhero story, though. One where I can explore emotions and characters in a way that comics don’t generally allow. If you’ve been enjoying my writing, then you’ll enjoy this.
PREPARE TO DIE: It happens in every battle involving a superhero and his deadly arch-nemesis: that moment when a triumphant villain turns his evil gaze on the hero and intones, “Prepare to die!” This time, with the heroic Reaver fighting against Eleventh Hour (a team of villains headed by Octagon, the criminal mastermind) our hero has only one reply… “How long?” This confuses Octagon, who asks what Reaver means, and Reaver responds, “You said I should prepare to die. Sounds fair. How long do I have for my preparations?”
And so starts the story of “Prepare to Die!” wherein Reaver, allowed two weeks to arrange for his now-inevitable death, travels home to Athens, Oregon, a small town where he hasn’t been in over a decade. It’s a small town that celebrates his birthday with a yearly festival. A small town that is secretly still home to the surviving relatives of Paladin, a lovable raconteur of a superhero who was once Reaver’s partner, and who was far more popular with the press and public before his untimely demise. Moreover, Athens is the site of the accident that gave both Reaver and Paladin their powers, and home to Adele Layton, Reaver’s hometown sweetheart, a girl he hasn’t talked to since he left Athens, and the girl he knows he should have married.
But will a man with no future find it easier to reconnect with his past? And how will Octagon’s shocking revelations change Steve’s plans? Most challenging of all, how can Steve simply give up his life when he finds that Adele, the woman he loves, has been waiting for over a decade in the hopes that he would finally… come home?
Thanks, everyone! And... I hope to see you on the bookshelves!
So… as many of you know, I’ll be writing Bionic Woman, working with Dynamite in order to bring the adventures of Jaime Sommers to life. Incidentally, it IS Jaime, not Jamie, as I see around from time to time.
I'm Jaime, dammit. Do not make me go all na-na-nannana on your ass.
Here's the cover for our first issue. As you can see, artist Paul Renaud has captured the... uhh... hold on a second. Bit of a snafu, here.
HERE we go. The cover of our first issue, by Paul Renaud.
Let's bring in an image of Lindsay Wagner to read the official rundown of our first storyline. "Paris is the city of love? Not anymore... not since Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman, came to town hot on the trail of the Mission, a collection of insanely high-priced surgeons who've been murdering OSI's bionic prototypes in order to provide new life for billionaire patients. But while the Bionic Woman is hunting the Mission, their #1 hunter is after her! Can Jaime pick up the pieces of her past while protecting her life in the present, or will the city of love turn its back, and its bullets, on the Bionic Woman? Acclaimed writer Paul Tobin brings you a tale of baguettes, bullets, and bionic badass!"
Yes. Everyone. You can slow down with the emails. I have plans to eventually deal with the Fembots.
Here’s a Fembots television commercial to tide us all over until the Fembots show up.
We’re going to be dealing with extensions of the original television show, for the most part. We’re going classic with the Bionic Woman, but there are quite a few surprises on the way. In celebration of the original television series, I was GOING to drop in the original theme opening, but… couldn’t get the damn thing to embed, and, to be frank, it was kind of boring. So, instead, here’s one of the greatest opening sequences in television history… the opening to Mission Impossible.
And here… a BONUS. A catchy song about the fembots, by the Swedish popstar, Robyn.
So, yes… don’t worry, there are fembots waiting for us down the road. Who doesn’t love fembots? I’ve got plans for them, plans being seeded in the 1st storyline, so pay attention. Speaking of the 1st storyline, I wish I could officially show you some art, but right now it’s all secret, so instead, I’m going to wrap up this post by going through a selection of some of the classic toys from the era of the first television show. And there were a LOT of them. I’m barely going to touch on them, here.
A selection of the Jaime Sommers dolls. There were many more of them. Many many more of them.
I'm rather fascinated by how many different cloths you could buy for the Jaime Sommers dolls. This is just a selection of a broader group. And, don't worry, I've extensively studied them and am passing along reference to the artist!
Here's one of my favorites. Jaime is a schoolteacher, so here's her classroom! And what's GREAT about it? Well... she has written "Call OSI" right there on her chalkboard, so her students can ask her, "What's OSI?" And then she can answer, "Why, it's the Office of Strategic Intelligence. Headquartered in Washington, DC. It's semi-secret, although there ARE some VERY classified aspects, such as the bionic program. Oops! I have to kill you all now. My bad."
They spent the equivalent of 75 million dollars (in today's money) creating the Bionic Man, and they spent MORE on the Bionic Woman, but they couldn't buy Oscar a desk with some god-damn leg room.
More of the old Charlton comics. I love this shit.
Why should I buy a car that's clearly defective? I can see from the image that it has no brakes, as Jaime is having to stick her legs out and stop the vehicle. Maybe it's like one of those old Fred Flintstone cars?
I'm not sure how much fun could have been had with this... BUT... I love the part of the packaging where...
... Jaime is just straight up cartoon bitch-slapping a man through a wall.
This one never went into actual production in America, but it did make it out in a couple other areas of the world. It's the Jaime Sommers shower set, where all pretense of "I won't be stripping this doll naked" is entirely discarded. Bravo!
Anyway… the point is… I’m writing Bionic Woman, and I’m having a blast doing so, and I hope you all come along for the ride. She’s a great character, and Dynamite and I are doing some good comics, here.
And, you don't want to miss the fembot storyline, DO you?
Favorite Female Characters in Literature # 13: Sue Storm. Oh hell... make that Sue "Hell yeah Mother-fucking" Storm. The woman has gone through enough hell and proved herself the strongest willed member of the FF, so she deserves the respect.
Here they are, the Fantastic Four. Five years ago, Sue Storm would not have made this list of mine. She was a secondary character. Suited for no more than background moments. Then I was offered a chance to write Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four, and had to really think about writing her character, and I asked Jeff Parker (a good friend, and a BRILLIANT writer) for advice and he said, "Well, of course you know she's the clear leader of the group." And that was silly. BUT... it was only silly for about thirty seconds, and then it was OBVIOUS. Sue is the one who holds them together. Sue is the one who has the perspective, the ENTIRE perspective, that the others lack. Sue has the brains, the powers, the will to surivive, and the determination to do what needs to be done. She is Sue Storm, and she's pretty, and she's nice, and she will cut you.
I think that I'd always, in the past, been envisioning THIS Sue Storm. It's the Sue Storm that I grew up with, reading stacks of old comics... the Sue Storm that served cookies after the men saved the world, and the Storm that was more concerned with Johnny leaving his dirty socks all over the house than she was with how Doctor Doom had just wiped out a platoon of NATO soldiers. The Sue, in other words, that Reed was either protecting or brusquely ordering to do some safe and feminine task.
In not long, though, my entire idea of the character had changed. Again, this was largely due to that simple sentence that Jeff Parker had told me. SUE IS THE ONE IN CHARGE. Of course she is. So, whenever I write Sue, THIS is the image that I drop into the scripts, with a note of, "THIS is the Sue that we're talking about." Sue Storm of the front lines. The bad ass. Also... I began to think of how incredibly potent her powers were for OFFENSE, not just defense. That changed her, too.
THIS version of Sue Storm no longer exists in my head.
THIS is who she is to me now. This is a piece of art from when, in the Marvel Adventures universe, she was in charge of the Fantastic Four and the Avengers, both. Because that's how she rolls. Her years of taking care of Reed, Ben and Johnny have transformed her into a woman who just plain TAKES CARE OF THAT SHIT, whatever that shit may be.
This is from another time that I worked with the character of Sue Storm. Maybe my favorite time, in many ways, because I was able to have fun with the character and, as many of you know, I like Colleen Coover's art so much that I went ahead and married her.
Sue's first appearance, and the launch of the Marvel Age of comics. I have a copy of this comic and the first time I sat down to read it I was chomping on a sandwich and thinking, "Yeah, here's the part where the cosmic rays are hitting them, and now they're transforming, etc, etc." I've read the story a million times, but then it suddenly hit me that I was holding THE comic that it happened in, not a reprint or anything like that. It gave the story MUCH more gravity. I would high recommend each and every one of you to go out, RIGHT NOW, and buy an original copy. I'll wait. (whistling noises)
Reed was often tugging Sue along in those early days. Like she couldn't walk by herself, or didn't know how to run. And Reed was always a bit TOO protective. I always wanted Sue to say, "For fuck's sake, Reed! I can turn INVISIBLE and make a DAMN FORCE FIELD. I will be OKAY!"
Jesus CHRIST, Ben. Just... holy shit.
I just love this piece of art, so I'm throwing it in here. I think it's a nice visual that shows Ben's strength and Sue's allure. Hard to tell, here, that she could kick his ass if she wanted.
Wow. Sue is sporting some extremely NOT invisible booty in this statue. I think there should be one of Ben Grimm like this, too.
A couple more nice images of our favorite invisible gal, this time by Bruce Timm and Darwyn Cooke, two of the best in the business at drawing beautiful women who still seem human.
Well done, Cosplay Girl.
I like the "middle" versions of Sue and Reed the best. The versions where Sue had become a complete character with her own life and desires and demands, and Reed has become HUMAN... a caring man, rather than a brusque genius who cannot fathom human emotions. Any writer that can't give Reed humanity is a writer that's not doing his or her job. Sue and Reed are at their best when they're two people with powers who happen to be two people in love.
Sigh. Why do women so often fall for the hurt and bitter man? As far as Sue's attraction to the Sub-Mariner, I'm not fond of it. I LOVE his attraction to her, but not her spotty attraction to him. Sue loves Reed in my mind, and anything else just muddies up the rather focused person who she is. There is NO way that I could ever get behind the Sub-Mariner and Sue getting together, kissing. NO WAY. Never. Not going to happen.
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
Comrade Romanoff! Report to my office! You are summoned for a mission for the glory of literature and Mother Russia!
Indeed! You are to be Comrade Tobin's # 14 favorite female in literature. The mission will be extremely dangerous! Perilous! Fraught with hazards! And a little sexy.
We have prepared your path. You will first appear in Tales of Suspense issues # 52 and # 53, fighting that iron-plated pawn of America society... known as Iron Man. Dress provocatively, as he is... in the manner of all decadent western societies... known to be weak against the wiles of a woman.
To pander to the witless Americans, we have commissoned artists to herald your mission. Here is the very art board for the first time you will be seen... an artifact that will certainly be enshrined once your mission is complete.
In order to spread confusion into the easily distracted western minds, we will employ several agents known as the Black Widow, such as in these photo-novels, which I happened to have in my desk drawer. Why were they in my desk drawer? SILENCE! You are not to question your superiors!
Now that you have returned to proper obedience, I will mention that Marvel Comics, who will spread word of your glorious exploits to the dulled minds of the weak, has already regaled the public with the tales of an earlier Black Widow, one that bargained with the devil himself in order to gain her touch of death. You, Comrade Romanoff, will not have to bargain with the devil. Only with myself and Comrade Tobin. Why does your eyebrow rise? Have you something to say? Some comment about which woman has received the better deal? Speak freely, I would hardly send you to Siberia for a small transgression, da? Ahh... you have nothing to say, then? It is good.
Further sewing the seeds of confusion, we shall place your name in movies. The soft American mind is sure to be taken in by the merest glimpse of a woman's flesh. The agents of America will not know WHICH Black Widow is the TRUE Black Widow, and it is THEN that you will strike!
Comrade Stan Lee has assured me that America's top superhero, the pest known as Spider-Manski, travels in something called "The Spider Mobile." So that you may blend seamlessly into society, we have prepared you with a similar conveyance.
Hmmm. But… it occurs to me that the American mind needs stimulation of the highest, or shall I say the lowest, order. Your dress is still not provocative enough. I suggest black coloration, a fetish mask, and mesh fabrics. Will you wear such an outfit, comrade Natasha, or are you willing to let our Western enemies spread their philosophies of decadence and freedom across Mother Russia?
Good. It is good. I knew you were devoted to the cause.
Your new costume will be provided with certain mechanisms devised by our glorious kidnapped scientists, suction cups that will allow you to walk upon walls in the manner of a spider, or to deliver a "sting" in the manner of a hornet, and a push-up bra in the manner of the art of Eric Stanton. Use these gifts well, Natasha; the eyes of Russia are upon you. Believe me, once you don this costume, there will be MANY eyes upon you.
Another costume? One you have designed yourself? You had no authority to do so, Natasha, and as your superior I must insist that... ahhh, errr, what was I speaking of? I believe that I was... about to commend you on taking the initiative in designing this new costume. It... suits you. It will distract your enemies by showcasing the abundant health of Russian women. How they will flock to our superior philosophies once they see you emerge from the shadows, with your long soft hair caught in a breeze, and that measure of insolence in your eyes, with your lithe form highlighted by your costume's grasp upon your flesh, and your full lips demanding obedience from, errr, I... but, yes. Yes. Commendable job on your costume. I am only sorry that you were forced to spend all your resources on the fabric, so that the zipper you have purchased is weak and malfunctioning. It is my belief that you will quire rarely be able to zip it up all the way. Pity, that.
Yes. Zipper malfunction does seem like it's going to be a problem. Even in the invigorating chill of Mother Russia, your zipper fails to properly zip.
Zipper malfunction.
Zipper malfunction.
Zipper malfunction.
Zipper malfunction. The problem, it seems, cannot be fixed.
One you have infiltrated American society, you will be contacted by such artists as Darwyn Cooke, who will illustrate your exploits. Comrade Cooke is a fine artist, though he is sometimes too free in illustrating the more feminine attributes, rather than the honor of working for the proletariat. I know this is true because I possess a huge accumulation... ahem... I mean I have a small middling of his art.
You will also be contacted by Comrade Paul Tobin, a writer who will regale the public with tales of your socialist adventures. Incidentally, as a factoid, this image is the one that he will paste into all accompanying scripts, as edification to his artists as to how Comrade Tobin believes you should appear.
Here is one of the propaganda tracts that Comrade Tobin has helped to create.
We will also place duplicate Black Widows into large gatherings, sewing mystery as to your identity. No one will know the true Black Widow. Only I will possess that information, which I will keep in a folder next to my bed, so that I might study pictures of you late into the evening, wondering if our scientists will ever solve the problem of your mischievous zipper.
Simple as it may seem, zipper technology is an elusive science.
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
This time it’s not a comic book character, but a women out of the newspapers (in the not-so-funny pages) and the movies and paperback books. It’s Modesty Blaise, the suave and sexy super-spy. Incidentally… do super-spies count as detectives? I’ve been trying to consider if my favorite female characters are super-spies or detectives, but I’m wondering if “detective” is a prerequisite of being a super-spy. I flip-flop back and forth on this: I think it’s a matter of focus. Anyway… both sexy.
Favorite Female Characters in Literature # 15: Modesty Blaise
I've never seen the movie or read any of the paperbacks, so all of my familiarity with Ms. Blaise comes from the newspapers strips. I'm still missing a few of these books. Santa Claus... where the hell were you? Were you just loathe to give up these treasures? Did you loan them out to the elves and never get them back?
A small selection of the Modesty Blaise paperbacks. I want some of these damn things. They're a little bit hard to get. Usually paperbacks of this type aren't a very good read (Doc Savage novels and Ted Mark's "Man From O.R.G.Y." novels are... ahem... CLEAR exceptions, of course) but these were actually written by Peter O'Donnell, Modesty's creator and regular writer... so I have high hopes for them.
Peter O'Donnell (1920 - 2010) was the sole writer for everything Modesty Blaise (except the movie, which we'll get to in a bit) and this allows the character to remain consistent... to have growth over time... to always be true to the vision. She seems all the more real because of it. Okay, "real" in a completely fictional way, but that's the dream, right? Also... LOOK at O'Donnell. THAT'S a writer, dammit!
The long run of Modesty Blaise comic strips was remarkably consistent in art, as well, with the vast majority of the strip illustrated either by Jim Holdaway, or by Enrique Romero after Jim had passed away. Here's a montage of Holdaway art.
Some Holdaway strips. Damn... he was such a damn fine cartoonist. His characters had life and individuality.
More Holdaway goodness.
It was Holdaway that established Modesty's classic look... half vamp, half society lady, and always able to kick your ass.
Romero was a FANTASTIC replacement for Holdaway... though I find myself favoring Holdaway for the most part. Not sure why. Might have something to do with Holdaway being the first artist. I think Romero made Modesty more immediately sexual, but Holdaway's version had this smoldering to her that was undeniable, all the while never losing the strength of her character.
A taste of Romero. Modesty often found herself partially clothed, but not so much that the strip was about tittilation; the allure of Modesty Blaise wasn't because she was gorgeous (which she was) or partially clothed (which happened) but because she was such a strong individual, independent character. Whatever it was... Modesty could handle it.
Later art from Romero. I guess I'd probably pay five bucks for Modesty to dress in panties and jump kick me. Unless... would that be weird? Forget I said anything.
I like to think they're talking about rock bands. I mean, the Who are an okay band, but wouldn't you rather be the guitarist for the War-Lords of Phoenix? Just looks better on a marquee, and it's easier to pick up girls. At least in Phoenix.
More Holdaway strips. This time Modesty is in her bra and jump kicking a guy. Dating Modesty probably came with an equal amount of smiles and bruises.
Speaking of dating Modesty... let's talk about Willie Garvin... Modesty's sort-of boyfriend. The relationship between Willie and Modesty is one of my favorites in all of literature. They are Holmes and Watson. They are Batman and Robin. They are Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. They are together, but they see a lot of other people at the same time, as demanded by the rigors of life as a spy, and the life of a fictional hero, and the fact that it's awfully fun to take off people's clothes and have sex with them. Despite the frequent wanderings, Willie and Modesty were always there for each other... and their relationship, and the sexuality of the characters, was some of the most adult in heroic fiction. I despise the "grand" aspects of love and sex in most comics, for instance, because it always takes place as if the world is shuddering and fate is being sealed, but in Modesty Blaise the sex took place as if the sexual partners were shuddering, and they were laughing, and they were being alive and being people. That's worth so much more than the pedestrian childlike fantasy sex in most fiction.
A Modesty "Sunday" strip. It's Holdaway, and it's in color. And, like usual, it's beautiful stuff.
Modesty kicks some poor / lucky bastard's ass in another montage of Holdaway art.
More Modesty art. The first piece is by Enrique Romero… not sure on the 2nd piece… it’s at least based on Holdaway, but not sure it’s him. It’s also rather a strange piece, because Modesty’s adventures were very based in reality… thugs and drug runners and spies and so on, so why a man is running around in a straight jacket being menaced by a floating eyeball and giant insects, I do not know. Might just have something to do with those drug runners, though. I can’t remember, in my college days, ever doing much more than being REALLY fascinated by clouds and sidewalks, and the last time I drank really good absinthe I thought I was seeing a leprechaun, so I guess I’ve lucked out on the “haunted by giant insects” aspects of altered states.
Comic strip and comic book writers always have the task of keeping things visually interesting when characters are having long discussions. In superhero comics, that's why Spider-Man is usually chattering away while punching the hell out of someone... but in Modesty Blaise it wasn't all that uncommon for her to be changing her clothes during a discussion. WIN!
Pretty much how I want my house and life to look.
Modesty in the movies, played by the actress Monica Vitti. The movie was, unfortunately, not a great success, and the blame falls largely to the fact that movie people seem unable to not fuck everything up. Peter O'Donnell wrote the script for the movie, and of course he's THE MAN, and he IS Modesty Blaise, so the script was full of goodness. By the time the movie people were done with the script... ONE LINE remained. One line. Ain't that a kick in the pants. Monica did a good job as Modesty, though... she just did her good job in a bad movie.
Monica Vitti, again.
Dirk Bogarde as Gabriel in the Modesty Blaise movie. The main problem with this movie (I've seen parts of it) is that It Is Tedious. The directing is absymal. Every scene streeeeeeeeetches as actors say a line, and then there's a pause, and the next actor very deliberately says their line, pause, repeat. There are only two good aspects to the movie. The first is Monica Vitti, and the second is this outrageously rocking bathrobe.
A "sort of" Modesty Blaise movie appearance. This is Vincent Vega. On the pot. With the book. You can see this book a few times throughout Pulp Fiction.
And now, for a send off, I thought I’d end with a sampling of Modesty Blaise book covers, all of them paintings by one of my VERY favorite painters, Robert McGinnis. Enjoy!
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
In a way, I feel like this one is a bit of cheat. After all… the vast majority of the other characters on this list endured good times and some very bad times, as multiple authors worked on the character, providing their own unique twists and… often… shitting all over everything that happened before and completely changing what made the character unique and interesting. Death, though… she’s been consistent… eternal… unchanging. I suppose that’s fitting. She’s really only had one author working on her tales, and that writer has been Neil Gaiman. Not bad, that.
Neil Gaiman (on the right)
Moreover, because Neil was in charge, our dear Death had the benefits of a wealth of comic’s best artists. So, yes… she was born with an ankh around her neck and a silver spoon in her mouth. Again, though… she’s entitled. The dear woman works hard, after all, and keeps her humor about it.
Another great thing about the character is that those multiple artists often changed her look around, so she seemed more "real" than the general character from a superhero book, wherein the characters choose the Exact Same Costume everyday in order to brand their images, and avoid laundry costs. Death, though, was the pretty girl with the ankh and the white skin. That's all you needed to know. Her malleable imagery gave her a depth to her personality.
It also made her easy to cosplay.
It just struck me that Death probably has the world's largest collection of "Fail" videos. Try to skateboard off a roof, jump your truck over that canyon, light your cigarette from the bonfire or kick that bull in the balls, and Death takes some really amusing footage of your last moments on Earth. But, hey... you get to meet the pretty girl.
Probably the last thing those "fail video" guys ever heard.
Sandman # 8... Death's first appearance. Most people see this issue as a real turning point in the series... the point where it changed from "Ummm, this series is really good" to "Seriously, holy fuck... we got something here."
Another nod to Gaiman seems appropriate, here, because he not only created a great work of fiction, but he's a really great guy, showing no signs of becoming a prick, as so many other of my personal favorite creators have done over the years.
Look at this! Just... LOOK at this! THIS is how I want to go out of this world, fighting a giant Transformer robot with Death riding his arm. I mean, sure, my death will probably be more like hitting my head on a bathroom floor... tripping with my pants around my ankles while hobbling out of a toilet stall in desperate search of more toilet paper, but a boy can dream, can't he?
Moebius doing his own take on Death. I love this image, but Death to me was always more about perkiness and philosophy, rather than blood or creepiness. In fact, I have this whole dialogue that I want to talk about... some thoughts that I'm really eager to share. Why... it's such a wonderful thing to be able to...
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
Favorite Female Characters in Literature #17: Hermione Granger
Okay… you’ve probably noticed that the picture wasn’t all that representative of Hermione’s normal look, and that, in fact, the image looks more like a ninja puppy. The thing is, I’m trying to have this post be about Hermione Granger, rather than Emma Watson AS Hermione Granger, so I’m relying a lot on the internet for illustrations of Hermione, and that brings in a whole different problem.
Namely, THIS problem. Oh, internet, we need to talk.
So… anyway… just pretend that ninja puppy above is actually Hermione using an animagi spell or something. Now, let’s begin! Oh… one other thing: I’ll have to be quick about this post, because if you’re on the internet and you type “Hermione Granger” then it doesn’t take long before pictures of Emma Watson start to pour all over your screen like the Great Deluge. This is because Emma, the dear girl, starred as Hermione in the movies and then evolved into a creature that quite a few people would like to see naked. But… this ain’t about Emma… this one’s for Hermione, which is why I’ll be using illustrations from various artists. Again, though… we only have a short time before the inevitable, and Emma Watson starts to take over the computer.
So... what I loved about Hermione was her strong will and her pluckiness. Really... you can just mark those character traits down for all of the girls / women down on this list. If a female character is strong-willed, and independent, more than a bit sassy, and loves finding the mysteries in life... then I'm over that character. And I mean "all over that character" in a WHOLE different way that the internet is all over Emma Watson.
You know one thing I was REALLY impressed by in the Harry Potter books? Hermione remained her own character all throughout the books. She was not there as a romantic foil for the main protagonist... a foil that eventually becomes a romantic "victory" in a declaration of "SEE... the hero wins EVERYTHING!" No... Hermione took a good hard look at Harry Potter, the chosen one, the savior of Blah Blah Blah, and she said, "Nope. Ron's the guy for me." That allowed her to breathe on her own and be her own character.
I love how Hermione was able to skirt along the edges of the irritating know-it-all by remaining true to her friends when it counted, and willing to take risks, and willing to look stupid, even though she HATED it. She was a well-rounded character with a full range of personalities.
Hipster Hermione by the artist “Rotae,” to whom I have failed to find a link.
I think the important thing to remember about Hermione is that... umm. Hold on a second. My computer just made a weird noise. Something's happening.
Oh damn. Well... it happened already. A picture of Emma snuck in. Don't worry, folks. I'll just delete this and we'll... oh, wait. She has a couple of those adorable mini-ponies with her. Okay, then... I can't resist a tiny pony, so I'll keep this image of Emma here, even though she's wearing an atrocious outfit that makes her look like she shops at a clothing store that sells nothing but prop clothing from that horrible 1980's "Dynasty" television show.
I think another thing that I liked about Hermione is that she was a girl, but Rowling didn't feel the need to RELENTLESSLY ANNOUNCE that Hermione was a girl. That's something much easier for women authors, I've noticed. Men, writing female characters, tend to drop in tons of annoying references to the gender, so that a girl does EVERYTHING in a "female" way. Rowling just let Hermione be a girl, though, rather than always being described as a girl. Much more effective that way.
Oops. Dammit. Another picture of Emma somehow appeared. I'll just kick this thing out and we'll be back on the path. I'll just... uhh... okay, look... here's the deal. I REALLY liked it when she cut her hair short and looked like Twiggy. So.... anybody mind if I keep this photo here? Show of hands?
I've noticed a lot of manga (and manga influenced) Hermione / Harry Potter art online. Japan seems like an illustration wonderland at times. Too bad that, as I understand it, setting foot on Japanese soil comes with a 45% chance of a giant monster dropping a vending machine full of schoolgirl panties onto your head.
Hmmm. There's that "Twiggy" look, again. Okay... obviously that stays. But that's the absolute limit.
Except for this one. I mean, come on. She's dancing in her frilly underwear type thingy clothes. I'd be throwing away eleven skillion years of evolution if I deleted this. YOU CAN'T FIGHT SCIENCE!
More Japanese styled artwork. I like this one. Hermione didn't have many of the truly "quiet" moments in the Harry Potter novels. She was always rushing to and fro, and that helped put a focus on her character, but... it's nice to see her relaxed, even though it seems that Ron is paying the price.
Illustration by… Don’t Know… no credit was given on original site.
Here's a cute "super-deformed" version of Hermione. I think that... aww, crap. My computer just made that noise again. Some sort of mystic incantation that I can't really make out. I clearly heard it say "Emma" though, so I guess we can expect...
Yep. Here they are. OF COURSE these photos were going to show up. Why SHOULDN'T photos of Emma Watson flashing her underwear be some of the top images when I do a search for Hermione Granger? This world, I tell you. I'd delete these, but they'd probably just pop back onto the screen. Let's move on.
One of the facets I liked about Hermione was that she made it cool to be smart. Too many books that are geared to be available to young adults make studying and schoolwork as the enemy of being cool... something to be avoided at all costs so that the hero can run wild, slay the dragon and get the pants off the girl. Hermione studied all the time, and BECAUSE of that, she slayed the dragon and got Ron out of his pants. Good for her. I don't like "messages" in books, but it was nice to see a brain win for once. And also... uhh... whoa. What was that? I think my computer is... breathing heavily? It might be time to close this up before the Emma Watson photos start to....
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
Favorite Female Characters in Literature # 18: Mary Jane Watson: How can you not love this girl? She's stuck with Peter through an amazing array of bad times, kidnappings, clones, alien invasions, bad editorial decisions, a thousand female contenders for the throne and artists that drew her in 1980's / 1990's fashions.
I think one thing that's interesting about Mary Jane is the evolution of her character change from a girl that just wants to dance and party to a woman that is an anchor in Peter's life, while still being true to her own.
Here's one of the major steps in that evolution of her character. The aftermath of Gwen Stacy's death. Those final panels are brilliantly wordless. Some fantastic storytelling going on here.
Of course, like 35% of all women in comics, Mary Jane is a model. Seriously, what kind of world would it be for women living in a comic book universe? Every woman in college either majors in journalism or modeling, and they all have minors in Kidnap Victim. The above image, incidentally, comes from one of my all time favorite comics projects. Really enjoyed working on this one.
Mary Jane's very 1st appearance is in this comic. Sort of. Her face isn't shown. She was a "mystery" character for a while... talked about, but not really seen. Building anticipation for her real first appearance. As an aside... that cover? J. Jonah Jameson... you creep me out.
Mary Jane's "real" 1st appearance. She came knocking on Peter's door at the end of this issue, and her face was revealed for the 1st time, and then she immediately began to talk about the way Spidey is sissy-fighting on the cover.
Mary Jane's first reveal. If only she'd possessed the forethought to copyright her words, she'd never have had to worry about money again.
Another image from one of my projects... this one in tandem with my wife, artist Colleen Coover. I like to think of Pete and MJ's homelife: how she sometimes looks at Peter's secret identity as Spider-Man the same way some women look at their boyfriend's idiosyncrasies, such as a penchant for plaid shirts, or an inability to put the toilet seat down.
I can't decide what I would want more... my very own Mary Jane Wastson girlfriend, or my very own Spider-Scooter.
I can't decide what I want more. My very own Mary Jane Watson girlfriend, or my very own Spider-Man bikini! Uhh... wait. Don't tell anyone I said that.
One of my favorite versions of Mary Jane is the "young love" version in the "Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane" series. Strong storytelling and hardly anybody being eviscerated. I love works where character is more important than how much blood can fit on a page.
For me, reading “Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane” is an up-and-down rollercoaster ride between enjoying the wonderful relationship between the two of them… and wanting to pop Pete in the mouth because I’d like to go out with Mary Jane and HE gets to kiss her and stuff. Dammit.
Ah, Mary Jane. Mary Jane. Wonderful Mary Jane. Sorry that half the online images are of you naked, often with you webbed into strange positions. It's just that some men are weak, and can only think of a woman in sexual terms, rather than the beauty of your character and soul. And hey... speaking of naughty online images, why aren't there any nudie pictures of Lydia from Skyrim? I want to see her naked. POETICALLY naked. Dammit.
But enough of all that. Let’s close out this post with either a long and boring discourse on whether Mary Jane should still be married to Peter Parker, or maybe just some images of Mary Jane dancing. It’s up to you guys. Whichever gets the most votes wins, and voting opens… NOW.
We would like to watch Mary Jane dance, please.
Fair enough. Voting is closed. Here's Mary Jane dancing!
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
Favorite Female Characters from Literature # 19: Janet van Dyne. The Wasp. The Unfortunate One.
Janet ranks high on my list for two main reasons. First of all, I find her a very engaging character. A woman who's full of life and laughter and... maybe it's because of her size-changing abilities... but I think she has a unique perspective in life. She sees the whole picture, rather than just her immediate world. And... the second reason Janet ranks so high... I pity her. I really do. And I pity the readers who (like me) love her, and who have to sit by while bucket after bucket of shit is poured on her head. The above image is how I like it... with Janet and Hank Pym together, and none of that bullshit wife-beaiting crap going on. That wasn't in Hank's character to have happen. And it wasn't in Janet's character to let happen. It was just loose and sloppy writing... with a toss-in "adult" theme taking the place of any actual characterization. Sad, lowbrow, shock value writing.
Oh Janet, if only you'd known how "uneven" the writers would be on your characters over the years, you might just have stayed there in that hole.
I enjoy the early days of their relationship, when Hank was madly in love with Janet, but just couldn't bring himself to admit it. And Janet was madly in love with Hank, and was ALWAYS admitting it, and often doing her best to make Hank jealous in the hopes that HE would finally admit. They were like Nick and Nora Charles, except with more super-powers, less booze, and no dog.
And right from the beginning, the Wasp was a force to be reckoned with. She was flightly, sure, but she had a purpose and she WENT for it. She was a front-lines type of gal, and she's always been that way.
Hell, we're talking about a founding member of the Avengers. Can't get much more front line than that. Here, of course, we see her in one of her ten thousand "flying towards the viewer in the immediate foreground" group shots.
Here's her very 1st appearance, and on the cover it's Janet saving Hank. That's her character. And, apparently, it was Hank's character to appear like a fainting Shakespearian.
Another thing I like about the Wasp is her love of clothes… the “fashion designer” aspect of her personality… even though it often does have a tendency to show off that her artists actually aren’t very good fashion designers. The important thing, though, is that she has a life OUTSIDE her superhero job AND outside the man she loves, which is where so many female characters fail. There are two aspects to most female characters… the main plot and the love interest. Janet has the third. In honor of that, let’s take a look at some of her many many costumes over the years.
Yeah. Here we go. As you can see, Janet has been all over the map, fashion-wise. From pantsuits to short shorts, from bellbottoms and bare midriffs and "spy" looks and "cheerleader" or "sexy stewardess" themes and... oh. Wait a second. Do I see a hand up? Does somebody have a question? Why did I put so many tombstones in this image? Well, that's simple. BECAUSE IDIOTIC WRITERS KEEP KILLING THE WASP. She's freakin' ALWAYS dying. Seriously, Janet has the problem of being "easy" to kill off. She doesn't have enough name value to protect herself, but she has enough name value that her death has shock value. So... this poor woman can't put on her shoes without finding out they contain thermonuclear scorpions, and she can't wave hello to Hank without him putting her in a fridge, and she can't take a step outside without fear of being EATEN, and she can't take a breath without fearing she'll attract the notice of some writer / editor team, who will immediately feed her to bloodthirsty Aryan dolphins.
Ehh? Yeah. I die a lot. Whaddya gonna do about it?
CHEESECAKE BREAK. Thought I might be getting a little preachy and rant-y, so here's Janet in a swimsuit.
In the early days of Marvel Comics Janet, like most other female characters, had eerie "woman" powers. I like to think of all the Marvel writers of the time (Stan?) completely confused over this whole "female" thing. I mean... women's intuition? What's up with that? Can they levitate, too? I'm coming to grips with the whole "no penis" thing, but... do girls really bleed once a month when Satan rides by in his magic wheelbarrow? Is that true?
A classic view of the Wasp, by Dick Ayers, one of her first artists.
Truer words were never spoken.
And now, in closing… let’s bring in the lady herself, with a personal message from the Wasp!
Hi! It's me! Janet van Dyne. I just wanted to say that I hope you enjoyed this blog post, because Paul says that if this blog doesn't get 10,000 hits, I'll probably bite a bullet in the next one.
W... what? She's kidding, folks! I'd never do that! (whew! I hope they bought it. Hmmm. Only 4,000 hits so far. Doesn't look good for the Wasp. Maybe I'll have Hawkeye go on a binge and shoot her in the back with.... AWW CRAP! Is this microphone still on?!!! Damn! Damn! Damn!)
——- DOWN BELOW IS JUST A REHASH OF WHY I’M DOING THIS LIST ———
I’ve been thinking about women, lately. Women characters in comics. Women creators in comics. Female characters in literature. And pretty girls riding around on bicycles or walking along the sidewalk, etc, etc. Because of this, I’ve decided to make An Entirely Useless List. Why is it entirely useless? Because it’s my top 25 female characters from comics and literature, and such lists change at whim and at a breakneck pace. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to quantify favorites… the term favorite is far too malleable. A list of my best friends from high school, for instance, would not include anyone with whom I’m currently in contact. Times change. Still… I’m making the list. Why? I suppose I just like thinking about women.
I often find myself grabbing Batman related images from my CDM (Computerized Distraction Machine) for no particular reason, and now I think I’ll just put them all here. For no particular reason.
Huzzah! Let's just charge right into all the Bat-fun, shall we?
I like this one because it shows the deep and melancholy side of Batman. Kicking a robber in the face can't be the only way he expresses himself. I wonder what he's singing. Some sort of ballad to Catwoman? A medley of Frank Sinatra songs? Enter Sandman?
It's okay for me to laugh at this kid and his portrait. Because, deep down, I am him. Or worse, my portrait would have been me dressed like Conan with some high school girl clutching my leg, putting up with my idiocy because I promised her a free meal at the Waffle-Rama.
I cannot look at this without laughing. Other than pretty girls in dresses riding bicycles, this is my favorite thing in the world.
It's too cold for pretty girls to wear dresses while riding bicycles these days... so I'll have to settle for Adam West riding a baby elephant. That's cool. I'm cool with that.
Dark Knight, hell! This is the Bright Knight. I love this guy. He makes me partially gay. And don't miss Robin and the rest of the crew following up behind him.
Somewhere out there, five Jokers are getting away with a lot of crime, and five Catwomans are posing for a picture for which I WILL PAY GOOD MONEY.
I still think the person who saw this grocery aisle, and made this image, is as brilliant as Audrey Hepburn was beautiful.
