What Comic Book Writer Would You Choose To Help Fight Zombies?

I know that some of the greatest questions mankind faces are, “When the zombies attack, will I be prepared? Will I be found standing with my Mark III Nuclear Decapitator, or that broken spatula from my kitchen? Will Fate team me with Ace Rockcrusher, the head of US Special Forces, or a comic book writer?”

Well, I’m here to tell you it’s probably going to be a comic book writer, but the good news is, we’re a feisty and inventive lot, and we hate zombies as much as Ace Rockcrusher and his cadre of sultry machete-wielding supermodels. So you’re okay with us! But… which comic writer is best? I’ve prepared this handy little guide.

PRO: Jeremy is a founding member of our “Pitch n’ Bitch” team. We get together and talk about our pitches, our editors, and whether we should have more beer. So, with Jeremy you get a whole team of dangerous writers. And some of the zombies you fight are going to be editors, and if you’ve heard some of what Jeremy says about editors, you know you’re going to be okay.

CON: Perhaps too handsome. Will inevitably cause lady zombies to congregate. Not cool to be the wingman in a zombie apocalypse.

FINAL GRADE: B-

PRO: Kurt is an amazing fountain of knowledge, and will know how to build weapons from scratch, like MacGyver.

CON: In the midst of desperate battle, Kurt is less likely to tell you how to build a napalm garrote than he is to mention the differing abilities of Legion Flight Rings in the post Zero Hour continuum.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: Her ability to make everything adorable will make the zombie invasion less threatening.

CON: “They Died Adorably” still not all that warming an epitaph.

FINAL GRADE: C+

PRO: Ultimate organizer. Kelly Sue writes comics while raising a family, and probably patrolling the streets of Portland Oregon for criminals. She’ll be the nurturing anchor who still kicks down the door and uses one shotgun blast to decapitate seven zombies.

CON: Her unfortunate choice of a war cry (“Hey! Zombies! Over here!“) might attract undue attention.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: He’s a bit insane, but in the good way.

CON: Warren will likely attempt to organize zombies into a cult, making you responsible for beer, cheese, and brains during the meeting.

FINAL GRADE: C

PRO: Dude, you’ll be drunk all the time. Party!

CON: Hey! Who’s at the door? Zombies? Let ’em in! Why? Because party!

FINAL GRADE: What? Dude I’m so drunk.

PRO: One of the most innovative minds in all literature. Turning Matt’s mind against the zombies will result in the most intriguing scenarios possible, with out-of-the-box events occurring at rapid speed, endlessly puzzling the zombies.

CON: Zombies really only want to eat your brains. And they’re already puzzled. No need to make this complicated. Save that for when the vampires attack.

FINAL GRADE: C

PRO: Sublime of thought. Will help you remain calm in even the most dangerous of situations.

CON: “Calm” not always as handy as “running away while screaming.”

FINAL GRADE: B-

PRO: Being Jack Kirby.

CON: Not applicable.

FINAL GRADE: A+, you zombie mother-fuckers.

PRO: The man knows his zombies. He DAMN WELL knows his zombies.

CON: Zombie exposure skyrocketed after Walking Dead, meaning all the zombies will swarm him for autographs, brains.

FINAL GRADE: B+

PRO: You might as well team up with him, he’s going to make a guest-appearance anyway.

CON: His “nuff said” is always a lie.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: You get magic. Fuck… yeahmagic.

CON: Alan might be curious how you’d reincarnate.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: Look at that smooth-ass bad motherfucker. Don’t you want that on your side?

CON: If he gets bitten, that smooth-ass bad motherfucker is on the other team. Do you want that on the other team?

FINAL GRADE: A (human version)  F- (zombie version)

PRO: Multi-talented skills will allow Greg to act as a leader in many situations, and also to film the battles for future generations.

CON: Your video of slipping in dog poo three different times during a failed escape attempt from the zombie hordes will definitely go viral.

FINAL GRADE: C+

PRO: He has a boat. That’s what you need. You need a boat.

CON: Has to run a few errands before he brings the boat around.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: He will bring the booze. You will for damn sure need the booze.

CON: Impressive forehead obviously foretells enormous and yummy brain, meaning the zombies will be arriving in buses to swarm him.

FINAL GRADE: Booze +

PRO: Look at that fist! Picture a machete in it. Gail can lop off zombie heads with the best of them.

CON: Likely to get distracted by using chainsaw to lop buttocks off from zombie internet commenters. Good fun, but not wise when the hordes are massing.

FINAL GRADE: C+

PRO: Dan is relentlessly cheerful, and has mastered the Zorro double-handed whip that pops off zombie heads like they ain’t nothing but walking Pez dispensers.

CON: Will steal your soda. And you were gonna drink that.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: Godzilla.

CON: Not really Godzilla.

FINAL GRADE: Godzilla.

PRO: One of the sweetest men I know.

CON: The zombies will think so too.

FINAL GRADE: C

PRO: In the provided image, Mark is displaying his double-handed zombie decapitating chop. Undead heads will be flying like rice at a wedding.

CON: Collateral damage during Mark’s Flying Fists of Flaming Fury finishing move can be problematic.

FINAL GRADE: B

PRO: He will make everything so beautiful. So beautiful.

CON: If zombies don’t have an interesting, powerful, and cinematic leader, Joss will damn sure make one.

FINAL GRADE: B-

PRO: The man has infinite energy, and is another member of the “Pitch n’ Bitch” crew, meaning you’ll get extra support with Josh on your team.

CON: Every time he poses for an action picture, he has a wry smile on his face. Zombies know that wry brains are delicious, like Lucky Charms cereal.

FINAL GRADE: C

PRO: Bill has written over twelve thousand issues of Fables, marking him as a man who will do what it takes, day in and day out, to survive. You’ll need that kind of consistent hard-working dedication to remain sane when the zombies are at your compound’s gate for years on end.

CON: Often thinks the zombies are right.

FINAL GRADE: C

So… there you have it. Jack Kirby wins again! If you see a zombie, you’ll know who to call. And, sorry if I forgot to mention your favorite writers, leaving you to wonder about their zombie-fighting status. I can tell you this, though; they ain’t no Jack Kirby.

 

 

3 Comments

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3 Responses to What Comic Book Writer Would You Choose To Help Fight Zombies?

  1. I would have to go with Joss Whedon, though, because with him will be all the sidekicks (Nathan Fillion, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Eliza Dushku, Summer Glau, Neil Patrick Harris, Anthony Head … the list goes on forever). Also, there would be for sure a musical number somewhere in that Zombie Apocalypse with Joss in charge.

  2. Paul Tobin

    Hmmm… I didn’t consider the “musical number” aspect. That IS a strong selling point!

  3. Denny

    That was a really fun article. I enjoyed your various comments on all these famous writers tremendously.

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