Jeeves, Alfred, or Jarvis?

Recently, whilst lounging around Dark Castle Tobin, I decided that I need a butler… one of those legendarily imperturbable butlers who can not only quote Shakespeare for any occasion, but also prepare a fine marmalade and unflappably squire my mistress out the servant’s entrance when the wife comes home unexpectedly early from the coast.

There are really only three choices for who (whom?) should be my butler, but I can’t quite decide between the three. The choices, of course, are —

JARVIS

He doesn't just bring you tea. He brings it on a god damn GOLD TRAY. Choose Alfred, and you're drinking from a gold teapot. Shouldn't that count for something?

He doesn't just bring you tea. He brings it on a god damn GOLD TRAY. Choose Alfred, and you're drinking from a gold teapot. Shouldn't that count for something?

On the other hand, in about half the images I could find of Jarvis, he looks like he's either contemplating straight out suicide, or auto-erotic asphixiation, and I'm not sure I want either traits from a butler. Still, these trifles aside, the man has proven himself to be reliable even when Galactus is eating his head, and I like that in a man.

On the other hand, in about half the images I could find of Jarvis, he looks like he's either contemplating straight out suicide, or auto-erotic asphyxiation, and I'm not sure I want either traits from a butler. Still, these trifles aside, the man has proven himself to be reliable even when Galactus is eating his head, and I like that in a man.

ALFRED

And then there's this guy, who is charming, but a bit sassy, and that's actually useful, because you need that in your life. It's a rather stabilizing effect. However, while he might be the best of the three butlers, able to prepare beef stroganoff and apply field dressing with equal aplomb, the man has an interminable habit of allowing people into the bat-cave on the flimsiest of reasons. "Oh, you're selling Girl Scout cookies? I'm not sure if Mr. Wayne needs any at this time, but let's us just GODDAMN TRAIPSE DOWN INTO THE BATCAVE AND ASK."

And then there's this guy, who is charming, but a bit sassy, and that's actually useful, because you need that in your life. It's a rather stabilizing effect. However, while he might be the best of the three butlers, able to prepare beef stroganoff and apply field dressing with equal aplomb, the man has an interminable habit of allowing people into the bat-cave on the flimsiest of reasons. "Oh, you're selling Girl Scout cookies? I'm not sure if Mr. Wayne needs any at this time, but let's us just GODDAMN TRAIPSE DOWN INTO THE BATCAVE AND ASK."

A man who can run Wayne Manor, help manage Wayne Industries, home cook every meal, repair anything Batman ever breaks, solve any crime, and basically be the logistical man behind the world's greatest detective, whereas I need help in figuring out how to retrieve messages from my cell phone, and frequently call 911 for advice on how long to microwave my oatmeal.

A man who can run Wayne Manor, help manage Wayne Industries, home cook every meal, repair anything Batman ever breaks, solve any crime, and basically be the logistical man behind the world's greatest detective, whereas I need help in figuring out how to retrieve messages from my cell phone, and frequently call 911 for advice on how long to microwave my oatmeal.

JEEVES

Of all three Butlers, Jeeves is the one most deserving of becoming a saint. But do I really want a saint as a butler? The cost of the votive candles alone would be staggering. Still, this man was able to keep Bertie Wooster in the good graces of polite society, so he should be able to toggle me into the upper classes.  His British accent alone would open many doors. Of course, the society dames might well fall for him, rather than me. That's a bit rotten, ain't it guv'ner?

Of all three Butlers, Jeeves is the one most deserving of becoming a saint. But do I really want a saint as a butler? The cost of the votive candles alone would be staggering. Still, this man was able to keep Bertie Wooster in the good graces of polite society, so he should be able to toggle me into the upper classes. His British accent alone would open many doors. Of course, the society dames might well fall for him, rather than me. That's a bit rotten, ain't it guv'ner?

Plus, Jeeves was played by Stephen Fry, and that has to be factored in as a plus. Fry has also played the role of Oscar Wilde, one of my favorite writers, and who wouldn't want to have Oscar Wilde as his butler? Why, think of the... oh, wait.

Plus, Jeeves was played by Stephen Fry, and that has to be factored in as a plus. Fry has also played the role of Oscar Wilde, one of my favorite writers, and who wouldn't want to have Oscar Wilde as his butler? Why, think of the... oh, wait.

So there they are… the three possible butlers. Any advice on which one I should ring up and employ would be much appreciated. Before I go, though, I should point out one last bit of note:

Of the three butlers, only Jarvis didn’t bring up a mass of homo-erotic images and literature when I searched for them online. There was for instance—

--- this Batman tattoo. And while it doesn't feature Alfred, the man does run the household, and damn, dudes, at least take off your capes. I know for a fact that making love in a cape is a dangerous proposition.

--- this Batman tattoo. And while it doesn't feature Alfred, the man does run the household, and damn, dudes, at least take off your capes. I know for a fact that making love in a cape is a dangerous proposition.

And then there was this site, which seems to be a collection of homoerotic stories involving Jeeves and Bertie.

So… you know where I’m going with this, right?

What could be more obvious?

What could be more obvious?

That’s right… Jarvis is basically disqualified. If you want adventure in your household (and if you don’t… BORING!) then it behooves you (yeah… I used the word “behooves”) to sprinkle the premises with a few incidents of flamboyance, and by god if coming home one night only to find Alfred grabbing ice cream from the freezer, wearing nothing but Green Lantern’s underwear and Flash’s gloves, and adamantly refusing to let you go upstairs until he “tidies up a bit,” doesn’t fill the bill, then nothing will.


9 Comments

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9 Responses to Jeeves, Alfred, or Jarvis?

  1. Paul Tobin

    Dude. I can’t afford him.

  2. I laughed. Now I want a butler.

    I think I’d definitely go with Alfred, though.

    That Batman/Robin tattoo is a little disturbing. And yet, I’m having trouble looking away.

  3. Paul Tobin

    That’s exactly how I felt when I ran across that tattoo. It’s a fascinating monstrosity.

  4. Dean

    If you’re looking for flamboyance in a butler, may I suggest Ultimate Jarvis? There is the small drawback of him being dead, but since when has that been a problem for a comic book character?

  5. Paul Tobin

    Hmmm. Perhaps an undead butler? That could be interesting.

  6. Chris McAree

    Three fine choices, however, I feel you are making a grievous error in omitting another sterling candidate; a Mr Edmund Blackadder. Jeeves may deserve kudos for ingratiating Bertie Wooster to polite society, but Blackadder succeeds in doing the same for the clottish Prince of Wales (coincidently played by Hugh Laurie of House fame, who also played Wooster opposite Fry’s Jeeves). He is capable of infiltrating France during the revolution and may possibly be The Scarlet Pimpernel!

    In fairness, the (S*P*O*I*L*E*R*S for a 25 year old show) eventual betrayal and impersonation of his royal highness may merit disqualification on the grounds of disloyalty, but when confronted with Stephen Fry’s Lord Wellington, I might be tempted to do the same myself!

  7. Paul Tobin

    I hadn’t thought of Blackadder. You are quite right. A grievous omission!

  8. Well, you have to scratch Jeeves off the list. As the man himself once said, “When an employer’s wife enters through the front door, the bachelor’s servant exits through the back door.”

    Go for the second-best character from that canon: Anatole, Aunt Dahlia’s French cook.

    Back to the issue of personal valets, I think you’d have to go with Alfred. That’s a pretty damned useful skill set. Say, for example, that you’re at a con and you manage to roll your rented Toyota down an embankment. Alfred can field-dress your wounds and arrange to have both you and the car cleared away before the cops or Avis get wind of what happened.

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